walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
