Dude my mom stole all your condoms
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
