do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
