I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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