last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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