I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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