spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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