She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
40s are totally the cure
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
