I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
