I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
