i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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