I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
