In the future we'll all be gay
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
