There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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