My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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