Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
