its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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