yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
