Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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