Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In other news, I just burned my penis
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
