But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
