Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
