Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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