u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
