Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just forgot I was standing up.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
