grandma shit on top of the toilet
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
only if we run a train.
done.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
