What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
