I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
