I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Text me some of your sweat
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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