Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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