ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
