I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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