I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
