Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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