So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
