they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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