I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
