youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
