How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
