My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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