I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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