Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
