She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
