you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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