ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
