she woke up with a sticky ear
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
