whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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