I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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