You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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