I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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