She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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