i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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